Finding perfect in moments of Chaos

After having kids I rarely use the words, peaceful, blissful, or perfect to describe my house….before kids I would have.  Before the boys we had a coffee table that actually had items on it.  Soon after kids came all those items were quickly removed to protect their value and my sanity from keeping them out of their little hands. 

My husband and I would come home from work to make whatever WE wanted or “make it easy” and go out to eat for dinner.  After children the 5 out of 7 nights of the week there is at least one of us that is not happy with the dinner option….(yes sometimes that is even me…… I don’t want to have spaghetti again tonight!) It almost makes me laugh out loud as I type this how “easy” it used to be to ‘go out for a quick bite.’ Even if it is just Jared and me, we have to have ‘systems in place’ to even go out. And if we bring the boys, there is nothing ‘easy’ about that dinner. Usually bribery is involved, bribing them to sit still and eat their dinner and if they are good we will get a gumball before we leave.

However chaotic and crazy the house it, there are still those moment of bliss. The moment when I am able to use the restroom and not have one or both of them standing their asking me what I am doing. Or better yet getting the toilet paper and telling me “I will wipe your bottom mommy, just bend over!”

There are moments of peacefulness when they are both in bed and sleeping…at the same time.

More so there are many, many moments of perfect. Maybe not the ‘Pleasantville-perfect’ but MY perfect.  These ”perfect moments” may only last a few seconds or minutes, but I love when I am aware enough to notice them.  After a stressful day that includes many tantrums or tears it can be hard to see those moments but they are still there. Many times it is something so small, as the boys working together on their “best train track set EVER!”, or Jake teaching Jimmy how to potty on the big-boy-potty.

Last night my perfect moment was putting my boys to bed, not because of the usual reasons of ‘yes, now it is quite,” but because as I rocked Jimmy to sleep, in the same chair that I have had since getting pregnant,  I realized how his body no longer fits within my lap. I realize that I no longer wake up countless times a night to feed, burp and diaper him. He is almost potty trained and is an excellent sleeper.

 I came out from putting Jimmy to bed to find Jake snuggled with daddy asleep on the couch, so I picked him up and carried him to bed. Because of the thoughts I just had with Jimmy I felt like it was God’s way of telling me “remember, to enjoy it all, he was Jimmy’s size a blink ago and now look at him”. As I carried my long and lanky 4-year old boy to bed. His legs long enough that I now have to turn sideways to get into doorways so that I do not hit them on the door jam.

My perfect moment was that I have been given the honor for 1,568 days, to rock, carry, cuddle or sooth a baby to sleep.  I have reveled in your growth and outgrowth of the many stages you have been in. I have continuously learned and adapted to your changing wants and needs. God granted me the duty to raise you to the best of my abilities and while I am not perfect his choice of giving the two of you to me was.

Jake and Jimmy,

I am so very far from perfect, but I perfectly made you.  It is my privilege to be your mommy, while my tone at 2:30 in the morning may not always be as chipper as it would at 7:00, know that every sleep deprived minute I love you. Please don’t remember my frustration when I have named off everything in the world to eat for dinner but you still turn it down, my goal is only to make you grow strong and healthy.  At times I can see that you are frustrated that I ask again a topic that you know, it is my way to educate you and to expand your knowledge of a topic a little bit at a time. I never intend to scare you, but you are more capable than you know and there are time that I have to ‘let go’ and let you do it on your own.   It breaks my heart to see you hurt, but life will throw a lot of stuff at you giving you bumps and bruises along the way.  I am always here to console you, but there will be times you need to ‘shrug-it-off’, you are stronger than you give yourself credit.  And while you are perfect to me, you do not always make “perfect” choices.  My hope is to raise you to be man enough to know what to fight for, know when to say I’m sorry and know when it time to walk away, graciously and honorable. Most of all I hope to instill your intense love and compassion for those around you and the people you meet. 

You will change the world one day boys, I just know it. You have forever changed mine.

Your continually amazed mommy!