God created you ‘Special’

Last night our dinner was nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. It was a typical ‘ghetti’ night.  It was just the little boys and me sitting down to eat, Daddy had a meeting that he was at and was not going to be home for dinner. I used to fear the nights when Jared had to be away and I was left on my own to get dinner prepared, the boys fed, baths done and get them both down for the night.  Last night over our very ordinary dinner, I realized (as I do about 100 times a month) that time has flashed forward once again. I am no longer trying to decipher my young two-year olds request for dinner while I finish nursing a newborn that won’t let me put him down. In those nights I would doubt myself, my mothering abilities and sanity. It was so hard, there were two little people dependent 100% on ME and it could be exhausting.  When daddy was at his meeting my evening seemed to consist of someone always crying, that many times included me.  I would see other mothers that had three or more children and instantly think “they must be so much better at this than me, I can hardly handle two!” “I don’t know what I am doing,” and “I am sure I am disappointing them.”

Moments of my ordinary spaghetti nights make me look back on the chaotic newborn/young-toddler nights and reflect. As I have done many times, I wish I could tell my two-year-younger self “You shouldn’t have been so hard on yourself! It will be okay.” If only I could remind myself to take that advice in the present. However, I wish someone would have told me “it’s okay, to think it is hard, having a newborn and a 23 month-old….IT IS!” “It’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t diminish your mothering abilities.” But I didn’t…I figured if Jared had a meeting I needed to figure things out on my own. MAN, I could have alleviated a lot of stress if I called in an extra pair of hands when Daddy was away.

I hold myself to an impossible standard, one that I do because my children deserve only the best. While I doubt myself constantly and pray that my decisions are the right ones for my boys I get little signs that keep me on track.  During our ordinary Spaghetti dinner last night I got a ‘sermon’ from my four year old that every parent needs to hear. That gives me hope that I am doing a good job by my boys.

(for those that may or may not know, As a family we speak of God and heaven although we do not actively go to church each Sunday, so passion and insight into how Jake speak of god is sometimes hard to understand. The pureness of a child is astounding.)

Jake: Mommy, I think we should talk about how we are all special

Mommy: (I kind of laugh to myself thinking, “He just wants me to tell him everything I love about him”) Okay buddy!

Mommy: You are so very smart, and caring. Do you know that? Do you know that you are smart, and how much it makes other people happy when you are nice?

Jake: Yes, people love my smile. It makes them happy!

Mommy: It sure makes me happy, who else does it make happy, and who said that?

Jake: My teachers, they tell me “Oh, I love that smile Jakey!” (Thank you. Ms. Stephanie and Ms. Rene for loving my boy like that)

Mommy: They are right

Jimmy: I’m not special! (Being my ornery little Jimbo)

Jake: Yes you are Jimmy! Everyone is special; you are funny and make me laugh. You are strong and brave and you help me not be scared to sleep in my room ‘cause now I’m not by myself!

Jimmy: I BRAVE! Thank you Jakey!

(This conversation might be the sweetest thing ever! When the boy are not acting like “boys” my heart melts like chocolate left in little jean pockets in my dryer.)

Jake: But actually mommy you are the most special!

Mommy: (heart skipped a beat) why is that?

Jake: a long time ago god created you (actually only 30 years…lets not age me to much) Even when you were a little girl he knew that you were going to be me and Jimmy’s mommy. He picked you just for us because he knew how nice and pretty you would be. And God knew that you would love us and kiss us and hug us all the time and make us happy.

Mommy: Thank you for telling me how special I am. That really makes me feel loved.

Jake: You are always loved!

Jake: Mommy, that is why I pray for a sister so she can be like you. Jimmy and me will be daddy’s one day. But if we had a sister she would be a mommy one day….a mommy like you.  

For all the parents of little kids…. or grown kids. While I am sure the self-doubt never ends I hope that you all can see the person that your child sees in you. You are perfect and they have never ending, unwavering, complete faith in you. They trust you effortlessly and believe in your capabilities copiously. You are their mother, and while as they age they may not always say it, They would not trade you for anyone in the world!

Lord,

Thank you for perfectly making me, to be the mother of two beautiful little boys. I am so completely honored to be their mother!

-Amen