The Learning to Let Go Phase is Hard

 

Goodness, the “Learning to let go” phase is hard!

Never did I imagine, as I buckled screaming babies into car seats and watched wild toddlers throw their sippy cups across the car that it would so quickly transition to a car full of sports bags, snacks and empty water bottles rolling around.

The struggle of multiple kids, in multiple actives has required a well-orchestrated plan to be at the right place, at the right time…with the correct kid. But as they have gotten older the car rides are some of the best parts of my day.

I have their undivided attention, and they have mine. I am not distracted by laundry, dishes, or dinner prep. My only job was to drive, and many times, provides one-on-one time with whatever child I have for the moment, and that 1:1 time is invaluable! Picking them up I get to be the first to hear about their day or their practice, we get to have REAL conversations and I catch raw emotions because when it’s just mom (and you don’t have to make eye contact) you get to hear their whole heart, the good, the bad, the happy the sad. It’s safe.

They may never know that them sharing their heart with me, on those car rides to and from, filled mine. The transition from babies and being their whole world to being a piece of their world is a pull on a mama’s heart that is difficult to explain.

Grateful for the opportunity to watch all the learned lessons, shape these three people that carry my last name. As my influence fades and their worlds grow bigger, I hope they feel my love and confidence in their abilities. I hope my voice in their heads overshadows their own self-doubt, when it creeps in.

While being far from all “grown-up” handing your baby keys to a car feels like a milestone of “letting go.” I knew they were not always mine to keep, I know I am raising them to be the goodness that this world needs. I know that my job is to teach them, so one day they don’t need me.  But no one talks about how strange it is to pour everything you have into a job you love and prayed for, to need you just a little bit less each year.

I understand the job of parenthood is never done, but the role played drastically changes as they get older. I want them to be bold and brave and chase their dreams. And if I am being honest, I also want to tuck them safely into their bed, under my roof, every night!

I have loved every chapter raising these babies. Just when I think it can’t get better, the chapter changes and it’s a new story of their life unfolding in front of me. I LOVED the baby phase….until I got to meet them as toddlers. And those toddlers were the cutest, but then I met the hilarious and witty little kids. Each chapter with its own set of challenges and hurdles, but we faced them together! I feel like I am clinging to these last chapters of the book of Jake’s childhood. But the chapters keep coming faster and faster, and I cannot read this quickly. I know when this book closes, while I will always be here, He is facing the challenges that lie ahead more independently.  He is built for it; he is ready for it. But similarly to his first day of kindergarten, my momma heart is having a hard time keeping up.

While I know the solo car rides with Jake will be fewer, I pray his willingness to let me hear his world doesn’t stop.  

Jakey, may your brakes be sharp, your judgment be clear, and your heart always remembers the way back home. I love you kid!