Death is confusing

After work my husband and I try to recap and we will be talking about daily events, occasionally one of us will say “oh did you hear ‘so-an-so’ passed away?” The other day we were all in the car and we were talking about the little boy who was left in the car and had died because of the heat.  Jacob is now immediately interested in what we are talking about. “What, mommy?”, “Who died?” “Can I see?” “Tell me about it?”

I don’t know if it is just me but this is a subject that I find difficult to explain to him;  Mainly because in some instances I too find it difficult to wrap my head around.  You hope that everyone will live a long life and pass away peacefully in their beds, while this is still difficult for the family that will miss that loved one, it is easier to understand. When a little kid passes away Jake always asks “Why? They weren’t old?” This question alone, not only breaks my heart for the parents who are suffering the loss their baby, but to all the children who that little person touched that now have to try to understand the complexity of death.  

Lately Jake has been intrigued and inquisitive in the subject of death.  Secretively I want to brush it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to talk about why a little kid passed away; I don’t have the answers for the little girl that is sick and fighting leukemia, “no Jake it is not contagious.” I’m not sure why that little boy’s daddy didn’t get him out of the car, “Yes, buddy mommy and daddy always get you out of the car.” I don’t know how to explain to you that life is not always fair; I don’t know how to tell you that things are not always perfect. I am not ready too!

One day, soon enough, you will know that there is a whole big crazy, scary world outside of the bubble that Daddy and I have tried so hard to create.  I know there are many people who think this will sound “sheltered” and “silly” but I like that you are able to have the pure innocents of childhood without the worry and anxiety that so many other children have to face…so for now, and as long as I can, I will keep you in a protective, perfect bubble that I can provide.

Jake & Jimmy,

I will be the “helicopter mom” whenever you are around water or crossing the street or in large crowds. I do this not to be annoying, but as to try to eliminate the possibilities of tragedy that so many headlines are made of. Because I know in an instant my life could change, and the brightness that each of you bring to me could quickly be dimmed. I love you and cherish you and I will protect you as much as I can.  I cannot imagine my life without you in it. You made me a mommy, which has forever changed my purpose.

-Devotedly yours,
Mommy

My “Nanny” (Grandmother) is a huge part of my life; we used to have extraordinary day dates together when I was younger. She took me to see the capitol, and other historical places in Springfield. She was always delighted to have a tea party with me when I was little; she made the best Ovaltine milkshakes, and had ‘Olympic games" while watching all eight of us little cousins.  She helped to teach me how to sew and has written and mailed me countless cards just to say “thinking of you.” She bought me my wedding dress and she was one of the first to the hospital when I became a mom.   She is one of those “one-in a million” people.  My mom and my sisters always joke,” if you really need a pray heard and answered, tell Nanny.”  She is our real life angel and I am sure the big guy upstairs is listening to her.

So over our breakfast this morning again the subject of death gets brought up, but this time Jake seems to start to understand what I have been trying to explain. However when he started talking I could hardly keep it together.

Jake: “Mommy you have a Nanny like I have a nanny!”

Mommy: “I sure do!”

Jake: “But your Nanny is old and mine is not!” (Sorry Nanny)
Mommy: “My Nanny is your Nanny’s mommy, so she has to be older.”
Jake: “I know!”……”Mommy, one day she is going to die, isn’t she?”
Mommy: “yes, Jacob. I am sure she will, that will make mommy very sad”
Jake: “But mommy, you don’t have to be sad, Reeeeeemember!....She will be in the clouds then and she will make rainbows for us to keep us happy.”
Mommy: (speechless, I just smiled trying to fight back tears)
Jake: “Yup, all you have to do is look at her in the clouds, that’s where Grammy’s mommy is now too, that’s where you talk to Betty!”
Mommy: “you are right Jake” "you are wise beyond your years"
Jake: "what does wise mean?........

Death is such a hard subject to talk about, for me with the boys, as to not scare him. But at least with this conversation I think he explained it better than I ever have. I love that he knows he can somewhat understand that even after someone leaves us, he can still talk to them. Just look up!