Anything to see them smile!

In middle school or junior high everyone wants to be an ‘individual’, but not TOO individualized. And not stand out TOO much from the crowd.  Hopefully for most people you’ve outgrow that, and have grown into the comfort that is, being you, 100% you and proud of the you that YOU are!  I am proud of myself and the obstacles that I have overcome.  I am comfortable and confident in me! I think I gained confidence when I became a mom.  I was truly able to push the silly, unimportant negative things and people out of my mind and focus on what matters to me.  Being a wife, and a mom and the best “me” that I can be.

There are days that I feel like I was in high school yesterday.  Days that I do not know how 10 years have passed and I graduated college, got married, bought a house, had TWO kids!  But then there are other days that remind me how far away those insecure adolescent days really are.  We have been having difficult drop offs with my Jake (three and a half years old).  His little brother is happy as can be, we go into “school” take his coat off and he toddles into his room to play, occasionally turning around to wave good bye.  I love that he loves it, because my heart can’t handle leaving them when they are so incredibly upset.

Jake will go through spurts when he will do the same, walk into his room and yell “bye mommy, have a good day!” and scamper in to play with friends. But right now is NOT one of the easy drop-off spurts for Jake. Each morning, we talk about how I will be there to pick him up, how we need to have a “good” drop-off, How I am so proud of him..etc  I am trying to do pretty much anything to make this little guy have an easier morning. (And who am I kidding, for mommy to have an easier morning).

The school where he attends has windows that face towards the parking lot. So his newest request is that before I get into my car I come say bye as he stands at the window. His wonderful teachers know the drill and happily hold him up to look out the window. It started with “wave and say bye!”…so I did. Then it was “blow me a kiss….and an ‘air hug’!”….who can resist.  His newest request is to stand at the window, as his teacher holds him while I am standing out the sidewalk with a continual flow of parents bringing their little ones into school, and he says “okay mommy do a dance!” …so like a crazy woman I spin and jump and wave my hands around. This week I feel like I was doing a Broadway performance “do a dance mommy!”…I did “Okay do another one.”…I obliged. “Now shake your booty!”….sure why not “One more time mommy, shake that booty!”…I do and then say “that’s it buddy” and he smile and yells “Have a good day mommy, I love you!”  

As I walked to my car I can see the other parents who were walking in, look at me and either give me a ‘I’m trying not to laugh out loud at you’-kind of smile or a disapproving scowl.  I am sure they just witnessed me standing on the sidewalk and wiggling back and fourth shanking my booty and looking like a total lunatic.  But I happily smile and think to myself as I get into my car how little I care what these parents think of me.  Now don’t get me wrong, I WANT them to like me, but not more then I want my little boy to smile. 

I do not have the adolescent insecurities of “I don’t want to stand out too much in a crowd.” I will and have done crazy things because of the boys and for the boys.  I joyfully sing ‘Bouncing up and down in my little red wagon’ song each time we go to Target.  My boys LOVE it, and it always makes us all laugh. “Sing it again mommy, sing it again!” and Jake laughs an infectious laugh.  It’s a laugh that makes me forget I am in public as I sing to be able to hear his laugh again. It’s only once he stops laughing that I remember to look around, to see the other shoppers and some of their disgruntled attitudes.  I don’t really care, but sometimes, when I have my Starbucks and have a little shot of caffeine I wish I could ask: “Why are you scowling? How is the sound of a child laughing annoying? (And seriously who doesn’t love a little red wagon song? J/k) I don’t care enough to ask, I am happy, my children are happy…. And daddy is probably happy cause I am out of the house with the kids and he is getting some peace and quiet.

When I see other moms (and dads) who are completely themselves, not the ones you can tell are “putting on a show”; I want to stop them and tell them I think they are doing a good job!  I try to be myself all the time, my silly, goofy, loving self.  I also have the same rules all the time and I will discipline you at home, in a store, at a restaurant it doesn’t matter to me. Whether I am singing a silly song, dancing a ridiculous jig or scolding my child for acting out of line, onlookers you can silently judge me.  But I am confident in my parenting abilities and I am confident that I know and love this child more than anyone ever could and I am trying to make them the best individual I know how. More importantly I am confident in me, and I want to make sure they are confident in them.

Thank you again for all who read each post and have continued to tell me that they can relate and enjoy my blog. It means a lot! For the individuals who do not have Facebook (and even those that do) I have a link now on the blog to sign up to receive the blog in an email each time I post or to subscribe to the blog through 'Bloglovin'. Again thank you to everyone for reading and sharing and passing along to friends! Life with kids is entertaining!