Mommy Guilt

When thinking about becoming a mommy for the first time I would dream if it would be a girl or boy, what we would name him or her, how I would decorate their nursery.  We talked about the expense of a child and we imagined if they would get my eyes or his nose.  We talked about our discipline techniques and things we would like to do, and things that we would never do. We planned vacations we wanted to take our kids on so they could see the world and talked how we would take couple vacations to keep “us” intact. We were ready for kids; we were excited for our baby on the way. Looking back we were like every other new parent… We had no idea what to do next but enjoy the ride of first time parents.

We were very blessed that the dream of a baby became our reality…x2. There was and continues to be so many things that I NEVER thought of when thinking of my life with children.  Yes, I knew I would love them, “every parent loves their kids.” It is not until the nurse places that brand new life on your chest and you hear that cry that you realize the word ‘love’ doesn’t come close to describing the feeling you have for your new baby, the word ‘love’ is not strong enough.

I knew I would be tired, as I was so annoyingly reminded by every parent that saw my growing tummy.  But there are some nights/days that I didn’t know I would be ‘THIS’ tired. After staying up with a sick little boy only to take breaks every three hours to nurse his new baby brother gives “power-nap” a whole new meaning. I thought to myself, “this is awful, I haven’t slept in weeks!.... But it will get better.” I’m not sure if it has gotten better or if it has just changed and I have adjusted.  I think it is just tiring in a different way. Now they sleep more at night (most of the time) but they are up at 6:00am and going 100% (usually with no nap) until 8:00 or 9:00pm…..Mommy & Daddy are worn out by then.

I knew that I no longer was going to get to do what I wanted, when I wanted. I knew my priorities were going to drastically change. I didn’t know how effortlessly I would give up so much of my time and my old interests to now peruse my new and better interest, THEM! I didn’t know and couldn’t imagine the pure joy of staying in on a Friday or Saturday night and watching them ride their bikes on our driveway or play in our backyard on their swing set.

What I REALLY didn’t know about and no one ever talked to me about was a little thing called “mommy guilt.” Now some mommy’s may not have it ‘too’ bad. I on the other hand am a Type A personality that wants to be in every place, at all times and do it all as perfectly as possible. This of course is impossible; I know that, my brain knows that. So why do I still feel guilt?

 If Daycare has a valentine’s day party and I can’t attend…Guilt. I work all week and then get a babysitter so my hubby and I can have a nice dinner…..guilt for leaving my babies after feeling like I haven’t seen them all week. I have a girl’s weekend coming up and my husband is working all weekend too, so the boys are staying with my parents….Major guilt! Not only because I am leaving the boys at my parents (where they ask to go all the time) but also because I feel I am imposing on my parents (whom also ask to see the boys as often as possible).  None of this makes sense.

I am told constantly by my husband and family not to be so hard on myself, but that doesn’t change the way I think. Every little thing that happens wrong I can quickly and easily attribute it to the fact that I wasn’t there.  To catch my baby from slipping off the chair, or I didn’t take him to the doctor as soon as I should have for an ear infection. Heaven forbid I am out to dinner with a friend and I come home to one of the boys with a fat lip from a good tumble; I instantly ‘know’ if I would have JUST been here for them, this may not have happened. (I know I sound like a real crazy person even typing this out)

So when anything bad happens, it is my fault. But when anything good happens I am the last to think that it could have anything to do with my involvement in their lives. I think “they are amazing because THEY are amazing,” because of my crazy complex I need to remind myself that; they are able to be amazing because of the amazing support, strength and love that I provide. They are amazing because they are a part of a love that their father and I have for one another and our family. They are amazing because they are a small piece of me. They are amazing because I am amazing.

I just wish I could remember that 99.9% of the time.