You leave me breathless

My husband and I were fortunate; we talked about the possibility of growing our family and we were blessed the next month to be pregnant.  For all the women who have a difficult time conceiving I cannot imagine that pain. And my heart hurts for you.  After taking countless “you can test up to 5 days sooner” tests. They were all negative, probably cause it was 5 days too soon.  However, I know it was only our first month trying but I was broken hearted. I left for a business trip to Chicago and was gone for three days. I was very busy and preoccupied with the conference I attended that I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I STILL had not started.  I got home that night and bought a digital test, but I followed the directions and waited until the next morning to take it, (that’s willpower).

My hubby has to be at work before me so he had already left when I woke up. I took the test, left it on the vanity in the bathroom and was getting ready to take a shower. I figured, just like the others this was probably negative, but right before I got in the shower I checked. I looked at the test and it said “positive”! And that was the first instance that my baby took my breath away. “I was going to be a mom!” I felt everything from terrified, to thrilled to honored to be carrying a baby. I couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE……but my husband and I had talked about how he would always be the first to know, and he wanted to know face-to-face. I will remember that day forever; I went to work with the ‘news of a life time’ and had to keep in a secret from everyone. I knew I couldn’t answer any phone calls from my mom or I probably would have blurted out the news. But that night I got home and he was sitting in the living room watching a show when I said I had something to show him. I gave him a newborn sized sleeper and a positive test. It took only a second for him to realize that he was going to be a dad. I hope I don’t forget that moment. The moment where he leapt out of his chair to pick me up and spin me around full of anticipation and excitement, and some fear…. I’m sure.  

The old saying of “A woman becomes a mom the minute she finds out she is pregnant” couldn’t have been more true for me. I was one of the crazy people who loved being pregnant. I was left breathless again when we got to have our first sonogram. The ultrasound tech turned up the volume and we heard that perfect, calming sound of a heartbeat.   The sound of his heartbeat instantly calmed my fears. It almost sounded like waves coming ashore, so flawlessly and rhythmically.

I knew I loved this baby inside me. I would talk to my mom about how much I loved the baby and she would say “just wait, you think you love them now…it just gets better” I’m not sure how it could get better than THIS?  I thought to myself “she must not understand how much I love this baby.” But then the day came, the day that proved my mom RIGHT, it did get better.

At 2:38 in the morning on October 4^th, 2010 the most life changing thing happened, in a series of 4 short pushes a 7lb 12oz baby boy was born.  He had aspirated meconium and we had NICU nurses waiting for him. In the minutes when he did not cry life stood still, I held my breath as he was trying to catch his. All I heard was the nurses saying “come on little guy, come on” as they tried to get the meconium out. And a few LOOOOOOONG minutes later my baby cried! The sound of my Jake wailing was the greatest sound I have ever heard. “That’s my baby! My beautiful baby boy!” The sounds of my child’s first cries are recordings I wish I had.  

Then they laid him on my chest for the first time, I was more than breathless. This perfect little baby looked up at me and we connected. I am forever his mommy and he will always be my baby. He had calmed down and was no longer crying and we just stared at each other. The moment of meeting him was life altering. After being up all night he went to the nursery to be check out and I tried to sleep. When they brought him to me to nurse the next morning after a few hours of sleep I remember being more in love with him then even the few hours before. And each day that passed that first week, I remember being more and more in love with him. I thought to myself “I wonder when it will meet my ‘love quota’ and I will stop being so in aww of him.”

My Jacob is now three and a half years old and still to this day when I wake up in the morning to see his face and now his beautiful brother Jimmy’s face I am still in aww that that are mine. I am still more in love with them today then I was yesterday and I am amazed that I know I will love them more tomorrow then I do today.   The moments that they leave me breathless continue. Those first smiles, first laughs for words, first “I love you mamas,” first steps. They all leave me breathless, and just when I think “it cannot get any better than this.”…..it does!